How do you leave someone who has a serious illness?

How do you leave someone who has a serious illness?

I've been married for 25 years to a man who was my high school sweetheart. This relationship has been very hard on me. I think we got married for the wrong reasons, yet we stayedtogether because we ended up having children right away. We've always had arguments and disagreements and it's been one challenge after another. It seems like we really did have otherdreams for what we wanted in life.

I've been learning about having a vision for my life and creating a plan to achieve it. I want to leave this relationship. I'm not happy. I'm tired of trying. I want to go and live my dreams before it's too late. Our children are both in college. But, there's another issue which complicatesthings. He's been dealing with cancer for the past 5 years. He has a negative attitude about everything, including his health. I just don't want to spend any more of my valuable life dealingwith this. Sometimes I feel like he blames me for his health issues.

My children are completely understanding of my position. They see what's going on and while they love us both, they do want me to be happy. How do I leave someone with an illness like thiswithout making it look like I'm a bad person - or without feeling guilty? What do I do?

Laura from Laguna Beach

Dear Laura,

I appreciate that you are in a tough position and I'd like to offer you a couple of challenges before you decide to call it quits. Read the book Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis. No, don't just read it; take the book to heart and do the things Michele suggests. I know you said you're tired of trying, but what I've found when my clients say, "I've tried everything" is that they've tried the same handful of things repeatedly.

Have you talked with a therapist or relationship coach? Have you read books on how to improve your marriage? If you have, have you implemented the ideas you have received from any of these sources on a consistent basis (as opposed to trying it once or twice and discarding the ideas).

My next challenge to you is to see the movie "Fireproof." Yes, it's a B movie and it has a decidedly Christian bent, which may or may not appeal to you. Regardless, it is about a young man who agrees to make a 30 day commitment to his marriage, regardless of how his wife behaves.

In a way, both Michele Weiner-Davis's book and this movie are saying the same thing: work on your behavior to improve your marriage and find your own happiness. I know you believe that your marriage is unbearable and I am NOT telling you to stay married simply because your husband has cancer. I would give the same advice to any couple who has already invested 25 years in their marriage (with the exception of domestic violence cases). I wish you the best of success, Laura.

Michelle E. Vásquez, MS, LPC
www.michellevasquez.com
714-717-5744