Trust and Trustworthiness

Trust is a subject that people bring to me in counseling rather frequently. They will say they cannot trust their partner. Perhaps they have good reasons for mistrusting their partner. Maybe the partner was unfaithful and was caught or confessed.

So many times when infidelity is a factor, the relationship does not survive. It is hard to trust a partner who has created a different world in which you are not included. It’s hard to feel safe with a person after you become aware that he or she has deliberately mislead you.

Sometimes, however, the problem with trust developed in the past. Here’s an example of a fictitious couple with trust issues. Harry and Sally have been dating for six months. Harry has had a difficult recovery from a painful divorce, in which his ex-wife left him for another man after a lengthy affair. Sally has never been married. Harry exhibits signs of insecurity when Sally talks to other men and they have frequent arguments. Sally feels she spends much of the time trying to defend herself against ridiculous charges that she is having an affair.

This relationship is coming unraveled because of pain from the past. Sally hasn’t given Harry a reason to believe she has been or will be unfaithful, but Harry doesn’t trust her because he has been hurt in the past.

When we begin relationships, we (hopefully) take a leap of faith. We decide to trust the person we are interested in unless we see signs that the person cannot be trusted. If we see the signs and we are secure and mature enough, we end the relationship. Some of us ignore the signs of a potentially harmful relationship, plunging ahead despite that feeling in our gut that this is a bad decision. Others of us read too much into things and become mistrusting. It’s a delicate balance.

Some people are convinced that “everyone cheats” and it’s only a matter of time before it will happen to them. They spend all of their time trying to prevent this. Let’s look at some examples of extreme behaviors people do to “prevent” being cheated on and “being made a fool of”:

· Checking his wallet for evidence such as phone numbers or women’s names
· Going through her purse to find evidence of cheating
· Checking his mileage
· Timing her when she says she is driving home, going to the store, etc.
· Looking at his emails
· Looking through her history on the Internet to see what sites she’s looked at
· Monitoring his phone calls
· Checking her cell phone and calling unfamiliar numbers
· If they don’t live together, stopping by his home unannounced to “catch”
him with another woman
· Recording conversations, voice messages
· Following her to see where she’s “really” going
· Monitoring what he wears
· Driving her to work to monitor/control her movements
· Calling him excessively at work to check up on him

These behaviors are dangerous and can destroy a relationship. What I really don’t understand is that after the self-assigned Private Investigators find the evidence they are looking for, they still stay with the person they say they can’t trust! Then they come to counseling wanting me to “fix” their partner. Incredible! Even more incredible is that the “Suspect,” who has been the object of this spying, stays in this relationship with the excuse, “But I love him/her.”

I submit to you that the people who do the spying (because they don’t trust) are untrustworthy. Their behavior is evidence that they themselves cannot be trusted. They are doing things behind their partners’ backs. They are not being honest with their partners. These relationships are not built on trust; they are built on mistrust, fear, and deceit.

If you are in a relationship with a mistrusting person, you cannot fix this person. If you are the object of such mistrust, you have some choices. I would like you to ask yourself some questions when you say to yourself, “But I love her/him.”

Do you love your partner enough to:

· Submit to the searches and interrogations?
· Isolate yourself from your friends? What about family?
· Continue to walk on eggshells?
· Settle for a relationship that is only really good when it’s only the two of
you (together alone)?
· Change your behavior from outgoing to quiet and demure?
· Dress in a different way than you enjoy?
· Allow your partner to be the only decision-maker?
· Refrain from sharing your thoughts, ideas, and opinions for fear they may run
contrary to your partner’s?
· Sacrifice your own happiness to be with this person?

Make your choice with your eyes open. Is there hope? Yes, and we’ll discuss that next time.

Michelle E. Vásquez, Licensed Professional Counselor
210-663-9462
michelle@womenhelpingothersachieve.com

Helping people build strong, healthy relationships