When I meet people and they ask what I do for a living, I tell them I help people build strong, healthy relationships. I enjoy talking about relationships and about how to improve your relationships with the people who are important to you.

When I’m working with a couple who sincerely wants to improve their relationship, I’m at my best. I want them to win. When I say, “win” I mean “win the relationship.” Too many times people will try to win an argument and lose the relationship. My job is to help them understand that they can win their relationship by modifying some unhelpful behaviors.

Two of the most devastating behaviors that will speed a relationship into a brick wall are criticizing and blaming. I see so many people entrenched in a pattern of blaming. They don’t realize how destructive blame is. If they are willing to give up just this one bad habit, blame, they stand a chance to beginning relating with love.

My clients often ask me what they should do instead of criticizing and blaming. The words they speak are habit, often said as a knee-jerk response to their partner. My job is to help them begin to take responsibility for what they say. They are in control of what they say and do. They choose the words they speak. Many times they say, “I didn’t mean it” after they’ve said something harsh. The sad truth is that they did mean it. If they are willing to monitor their behavior, they can begin to choose their words more carefully. The benefits of this is that they will be saying, “I didn’t mean it” a lot less frequently.

The question I ask my clients to consider is this: What am I doing that is hurting my relationship? What can I do differently that will help the relationship? These questions help each person to take responsibility for his/her behavior. It takes them away from blame and towards Relating.