Be A Part of the Solution: Arguing Safety Plan

In a relationship, it can be very easy to maintain a "problem state" by forming a cycle of blame. It is difficult to remember to be a part of the solution when the fur is flying. My husband loves to say, "The time to panic is not the time to panic." It makes a lot of sense. When things are crazy and chaotic, take a deep breath and remember to be a part of the solution. If you have a fire safety plan, you will know what to do in case of an emergency. Similarly, you can have an "Argument Safety Plan."

If you decide in advance how you will behave, you'll be less likely to have an argument in the first place. It will become a discussion instead.

Here are some thoughts:

1. Schedule a regular time to meet with your partner to discuss one topic. Limit your discussion time to no more than 15 minutes. Agree to stick to the time allotted. Agree to be a part of the solution.

2. Flip a coin to decide who goes first.

3. Using a kitchen timer, give the first person two minutes of uninterrupted talk time. This is actually a really long time to talk, believe it or not!

4. When the first person is talking, the second person's only job is to listen, not figure out how to respond. The next step will explain about the answering part.

5. Set the timer for one minute of silence to reflect and/or jot down notes about what was said.

6. After the one minute of reflection, the second person gets to respond for two minutes.

7. Once again give one minute of silence to reflect.

8. Repeat steps 1 through 7, switching who goes first. This brings your discussion to twelve minutes.

9. Use the remaining 3 minutes to brainstorm possible solutions to the problem. If you cannot brainstorm without arguing, you can use these three minutes to write some possible solutions.

10. When the time is up, exchange papers and decide on another 15 minute time to continue the discussion, later in the day or the next day. If you were able to come up with a workable solution, congratulations! If not, continue the discussion at the time you agreed upon and try again.

The point of this exercise is to help you change your normal pattern of arguing. It's dull, even boring, like a business meeting. It's supposed to be! If it doesn't work the first time, keep trying. Tiger Woods didn't become a professional golfer overnight. He has spent years working on his craft and continues to work on it. This will work quicker than that, but my point is that for something to work, you must keep working at it. Let me know how this works for you!