People Pleasers

Do you often find yourself explaining your actions to others, even when it’s not necessary? Do you spend too much time defending yourself when people question your behavior?

This is connected to an irrational belief that everyone MUST approve of us and of what we do. Often people say, “I don’t want to hurt him/her.” I wonder if they are trying to please others to gain their approval.

People will also say, “I don’t care what others think.” In reality, most of us do care. Some people care so much about what others think that they go out of their way to please others, even if doing so hurts them personally. These are the “People Pleasers.”

People Pleasers tend to hold back a lot of frustration and resentment towards the very people they try to please. They wish the other person would stop being so demanding. They wish the other person would be more understanding.

Think about it. Why should others change their behavior? They’ve got it made! The Pleasers have trained them to expect their wishes to be obeyed. They don’t even give it a second thought.

No, it’s the job of the People Pleasers to change their behavior if they don’t want people to take advantage of them. Here are a few ideas:

1. Politely say no when tempted to automatically say yes. Try, “Oh, you’re so thoughtful to think of me. I really wish I could do it, but I can’t. Thanks for asking me…”

2. If the person is particularly demanding, asking you why you can’t do something, reflect back what you hear them saying, without defending yourself.

For example, “You should help take Mom grocery shopping. She can’t handle the cart by herself.” Your tendency may be to defend yourself with, “I do help Mom” and counterattack with, “You should help her more.” Instead, try responding simply with, “You’re concerned that Mom is having trouble shopping by herself.” Of course, your sibling may keep pressuring you, and you can continue to reflect what you hear. After all, this would be between you and your Mom, not your sibling.

3. Ignore insults completely and stick to the subject. Insults and criticisms are meant to manipulate, so stay focused.

For example: “You’re such a wet blanket. You never join us for happy hour.” You may be tempted to say, “I am the life of the party, I just don’t want to hang out with you!” which combines a defense with a countering insult. Resist this temptation and instead
reply, “Thanks for the invitation. Unfortunately I won’t be able to join you.”

If you make a habit of refusing to explain or defend yourself you will become a stronger, more confident person. People will respect you and admire your ability to keep your composure.

Michelle E. Vásquez, Licensed Professional Counselor
www.womenhelpingothersachieve.com
michelle@womenhelpingothersachieve.com
210-663-9462